Ron Swanson VS Dwight Schrute
Ron Swanson VS Dwight Schrute is a what-if episode of DEATH BATTLE. It features Ron Swanson from the television series Parks and Recreation, and Dwight Schrute from the American television series The Office. Description When he's not fighting crime, Superman assumes the secret identity of mild-mannered office reporter Clark Kent. These two are workplace heroes too, but are anything but mild-mannered. It's time to see who will win; the manliest man in Indiana, or the intellectual idealist from Pennsylvania? Prelude (*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*) Wizard: During our time doing this show, we've covered the greatest and most powerful beings and characters in all of fiction, from superheroes, cosmic entities, beings of pure evil and gods of immeasurable power. But now it is time for us to take a step back and focus back onto the common man. Boomstick: Speak for yourself, Wiz, because today's two combatants are anything but common; they're the pinnacle of what every office-working Joe Shmoe wants to be. Wizard: Right you are, Boomstick. That's why we have Ron Swanson, the Director of the Pawnee City Parks and Recreation Department, Boomstick: ...and Dwight Schrute, the Assistant to the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick. Wizard: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE! Ron Swanson Boomstick: Stand aside, Wiz. I'm gonna be doing the talking for this one. Wizard: Why? Boomstick: Because this guy is my goddamn hero. He's the manliest man who ever manned. Wizard: Indeed he is. Even I marvel at the sheer masculinity of Ron Swanson. Boomstick: Theat's Ron F*cking Swanson to you, Wiz! Ron Swanson was born in 1962, and was delivered by a woman that he would eventually marry. He never cried until he was seven years old, and that was only because he was struck by a school bus, but was otherwise fine. By the time he was 9, he was running the floor at a sheet metal factory. He went to his first prom at the age of 12, and worked at a tannery through middle school. When he was older, he hitchhiked to a college and enrolled. Wizard: Swanson would later go on to become the Director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department, helping close down unnecessary projects and save money for the city. He would eventually start up his own youth organizations to teach children empowerment and honor, and would work at Parks and Recreation for six years before quitting and moving on to form his own building company, Very Good Building Inc. Boomstick: During his life, Ron F*cking Swanson would create his Pyramid of Greatness: an educational chart that shows the perfect formula for the peak personal strength and achievement. "Category 1: Honor: If you need it defined, you don't have it." The Pyramid also emphasizes handiwork, teamwork, discipline, self-respect, honesty, patriotism, and the evils of skim milk. Wizard: Most of that chart probably comes from experience. Ron is tough, efficient, and multi-talented. He is skilled in hunting, marksmanship, fishing, woodworking, cooking, fighting, and money management. He has won several awards for his homemade chairs, and prefers to hunt and cook many of his own meals. Boomstick: The only thing that would make him cooler is if he were superhuman... oh wait, he basically is! He once survived a long-range shotgun blast to the back of his head, and was more pissed off than anything else. His alcohol tolerance is off the charts, and he has never had a hangover in his life. He also has to sand down his toenails, because he claims they are too strong for clippers. And when Ron Swanson claims something to be true, it's f*cking true. Wizard: He drives a burgundy 1997-2002 Buick Park Avenue Ultra, a front-wheel-drive luxury sedan powered by a 3.8 litre V6 engine. He's also armed. In his office, he keeps a sawed-off shotgun so people asking questions will have to look right down the barrel, and it's assumed that he has ammo for it too. He also keeps a claymore in his office. Boomstick: In case things get ugly at work. Wizard: However, his extreme masculinity and need to be the toughest can be his greatest downfall. Boomstick: Choose your next words very carefully, Wizard. Wizard: Well, despite his more ridiculous feats and weaponry, he is still human, and vulnerable. The problem is his pride; he does not like receiving help from others and often likes to tackle difficult challenges alone. He's also nowhere near invincible, he's been hurt and even gotten a hernia, and it does the same to him as it does to everyone else. Also, he's allergic to hazelnuts. Boomstick: So? All those things are going to do is piss him off. Ron Swanson won't stop until he's reached the peak of his perfection, and seen to it that everyone else has too. Swanson: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. Dwight Schrute Boomstick: Think of the most badass way to be born. Now forget about it, because Dwight Schrute has you beat. Wizard: Dwight Kurt Schrute III was born January 20, 1974 to a beet farmer and his wife. He had a twin in the womb, but absorbed it and, as such was born a whopping 13 lb 5 oz, rendering his mother incapable of walking for over three months. He states that he remembers being delivered and his mother biting the umbilical cord off. Boomstick: Now that is one badass way to come into the world. "Hello, Earth. You're my bitch now". Did I mention that he performed his own circumcision? Anyway, Dwight grew up farming, but would also spend time with his father hunting and playing sports. Throughout his childhood, he strove to be the very best, which was important because the Schrute family will shun and reprimand you for the smallest mistakes. Wizard: Dwight later became a skilled salesman, and went to work for the paper company Dunder Mifflin in their Scranton, Pennsylvania branch. He soon worked his way up to Head Salesman and Assistant to the Regional Manager of the branch. Dwight is almost unhealthily obsessed with his work, and does everything to ensure the quality of his performance and the happiness of his boss, Michael Scott. Boomstick: But that's not what we're here to see. We're here to see how he can kick ass! In his quest to be the best, Dwight studied everything from pop culture to weaponry. He trained himself in the art of surveillance by being a former volunteer sheriff's deputy, and educated himself in pop culture by watching many sci-fi, horror, and fantasy films and television shows, having thorough knowledge of everything about them. Wizard: Additionally, he is a master of survival, being able to live out in the wild and identify danger, and once buried himself in snow until parts of his body went numb, and came out with no lasting side effects or health issues. He's also skilled in weaponry, with everything from swords to firearms. He is an avid Paintball player and has a crossbow range at his farms. Boomstick: Heck, he stashes weapons all around his office to ensure that a means of killing is never too far away. These include throwing stars, a nightstick, a few Asian swords, brass knuckles, knives, boomerangs, a blowgun, and a compound bow. He also owns a Colt Anaconda pistol and a bolt-action .22 rifle with scope. And if he can't get away to grab a weapon, he also has a knife strapped to his ankle and a can of pepper spray on his person at almost all times. He's also a car enthusiast and drives a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am, and a martial arts enthusiast and a black belt in Goju-Ryu karate. My God, what can't Dwight Schrute do? Wizard: Well, despite his ridiculous multiple talents and abilities, he's still human, and vulnerable to the same things most other people are. His arrogant and stubborn attitude can often put him into trouble, and while he's not an idiot, he can be easily tricked due to lack of social skills or naïveté. Boomstick: Still, with everything he's got going for him, it'll be hard to put down this plucky paperboy. Schrute: Before I do anything I ask myself, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing. Changed my life. Interlude Wizard: All right, the combatants are set, it's time to end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE! DEATH BATTLE The scene opens with Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Dwight is on the phone the other line picks up. Swanson: Ron Swanson, Pawnee Parks and Recreational Department. Schrute: Hello, Mr. Swanson, I'm Dwight Schrute, a representative of the Dunder Mifflin paper company, and I'm gonna sell you some paper. Swanson: Eh, not today, buddy. We don't need any. Schrute: Well, if you just give me a moment of your time, I'm sure I can change your mind. Swanson: Look buddy, I said I don't want any. Now buzz of. Schrute: Alright sir, there's no need to be rude... Swanson: Oh, gotta work your way out of it by being nice. Typical of you soft little vegetarian suckers. Dwight freezes. Schrute: What did you call me? Swanson: What, soft? Schrute: No, vegetarian. You dare?! I will have you know that I have eaten more meat than your pathetic, skim milk drinking ass could have ever dreamed. Swanson: That's it, now you've crossed the line. I'm gonna come all the way over there to teach you a lesson myself. Schrute: Bring it on, communist! Dwight hangs up. and a half hours later The Dunder Mifflin door slams open. Ron Swanson barges in. Swanson: Alright, Schrute! Come out if you're man enough! Dwight stands as the rest of the office workers flee. Schrute: I think you'll find I'm more than man enough for you. FIGHT! (*Cues: Alive - Brandon Yates*) Ron grabs a desk chair and hurls it at Dwight, who ducks out of the way and lets it smash into the glass door behind him. He opens a desk drawer to pull out a set of throwing stars, and Ron grabs wood panel. Dwight jumps up and throws the stars, and Ron ducks behind the panel, allowing all of the stars to hit the wood. He rushes forward and swings the bladed wood at Dwight, who narrowly dodges and jumps away. He reaches into a potted plant and pulls out a pair of nunchucks. He rushes Ron, and the two begins rapidly swinging their weapons at each other, each one clashing again the other. Ron manages to knock the nunchucks away from Dwight, then throw the wood. Dwight jumps out of the way, but his suit is clipped by the blades and cuts it. Dwight reaches down and pulls his ankle knife out and begins fighting Ron with it, swinging it in quick fashions near his face. Ron dodges the attacks and pushes Dwight away. Swanson (thinking): He's got a lot more to fight with than I thought he would. Good thing I brought my weapons... damn, I left them in the car! Ron turns and runs out the door and down the stairs to the parking lot, with Dwight close behind and grabbing his nightstick and brass knuckles as he passes by them. The chase continues to the parking lot. Dwight busts out of the building's doors, only to see Ron in his Buick revving the engine. Ron drives right at Dwight. Dwight makes a long lateral jump as Ron hits the parking sign behind him. However, the car clips Dwight and knocks him away, leaving him rolling on the ground. Dwight wipes the blood from his mouth and stands up, then runs and gets in his Pontiac. As Ron pulls out and looks for Dwight under his tires, Dwight suddenly drives up and rams the Buick. Ron grunts as he is jolted, then looks over and sees Dwight grinning smugly at him. The two put their cars in reverse, then begin circling the parking lot across from one another, staring each other down. Then, as if they both have the same idea at the same time, they break from the circle and screech towards each other. Their respective drivers' sides clash, and the two cars press against each other, spinning in a small circle. Ron then grabs his shotgun from the passenger seat and fires it out the window, causing Dwight to duck down. Dwight grabs his pistol from the glove compartment and begins firing back, causing Ron to duck down as well. The two cars separate, and the two men begin firing at each other through their car windows, bullets and shells slamming into the metal. Dwight discards his pistol and grabs his rifle, then abandons the front seat and swings around to the back. He aims out the window at the Buick and fires several shots into the car. There is no response. Dwight slowly raises his head to see if Ron has been defeated. Ron bursts from the backseat with his shotgun and fires more shots at Dwight, who ducks down just in time not to get shot in the face. Schrute: Stupid, Schrute, stupid! Ron continues firing until the shotgun clicks, out of ammo. Dwight jumps out of the Pontiac and punches at Ron with his brass knuckles and nightstick, striking Ron square in the gut and knocking him back. Ron takes a moment to recover before rushing forwards himself, dodging the nightstick, and punching Dwight in the nose. At the same time, Dwight punches Ron in the side with his brass knuckles. The two stagger away from each other, bleeding and catching their breath. Ron sneers, opens up the trunk of his car, and pulls out a claymore. Dwight looks with shock at the weapon, drops his, then runs back towards the office. Ron follows closely, swinging the sword. Dwight runs up the stairs and back into the office. He jumps up on a desk and reaches into a ceiling panel, pulling out a Chinese sword. Ron bursts through the door and swings his claymore, and Dwight meets it with his blade. The two begin sword fighting, their weapons clashing together with loud clangs. Their blades connect, but Ron's bigger sword begins to overwhelm Dwight as the blades press together. With a swing of his claymore, Ron disarms Dwight and kicks him backwards into a desk. Ron prepares his blade. Swanson: I regret nothing. The end. Schrute: False. Dwight pulls out a can of pepper spray and sprays Ron in the face with it. Ron drops his sword and grabs his eyes, yelling. Dwight ducks down as Ron punches at the air and grabs Ron's claymore off the ground. He swings behind Ron and pulls back the sword, then runs Ron through. Ron yells as the blade pierces his body, and Dwight adjusts the blade to push further and pin Ron to the desk. Ron's mouth fills with blood and he falls limp, his wound spilling blood on the carpet. Dwight steps back panting. He wipes the blood off of his face and suit. Schrute: Idiot. K.O.! Dwight stands on a desk and screams in victory. Results (*Cues: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyIVAm9PVrI The Office Theme Song - Jay Ferguson]*) Wizard: Boomstick? Boomstick, where are you? Boomstick (distant): Leave me alone to mourn, Wiz. Wizard: Poor guy, he must be taking it pretty rough. In any case, it was true that Ron was the stronger and more durable of the two, with his shotgun blast feat being truly greater than any of Dwight's durability feats. However, Dwight was so much more dangerous than a shotgun. Aside from his ridiculously larger arsenal of weapons and tools, Dwight just had more training and experience in survival, martial arts, and weapons mastery than Ron had. Ron was also multi-talented, but there's only so much woodworking and money management can do to help you in a fight. Boomstick (sniffling): Okay, I'm back. Wizard: You okay? Boomstick: Yeah. Can't really argue when Dwight's fighting skills and weaponry were just so much greater. Wizard: Do you still want to make a pun? It's okay if you don't want to. Boomstick: No, I gotta. Ron was just "office" game. Wizard: Not one of your stronger ones. Boomstick: Shut up. Wizard: The winner is Dwight Schrute. Next Time Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:'TV Shows' themed Death Battles Category:"Male vs Male" Themed Death Battles Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Companies Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Series Category:NerdWithAKeyboard Category:Human vs Human themed DEATH BATTLEs Category:Sword Duel Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2018 Category:Death Battles with Music